


Just Deep Enough

by tukimecca



Category: Cardfight!! Vanguard
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, inferiority complex - freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 09:01:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2223219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tukimecca/pseuds/tukimecca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Miwa mused about the depth of his feelings toward Kai, compared to Aichi, and how he was undeserving of everything, especially of the tittle of Kai’s best friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Just Deep Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This was posted on tumblr 8th months ago. Supposedly after after Link Joker before Legion Mate. I wish we could see more of Miwa /sigh/ justice for Miwa. Happy reading! I apologize in before for grammatical mistakes.

Miwa was sure if the depth of feeling determined the result of battle then his feelings must be shallow that he could not bring his best friend back from being reversed. He failed, miserably at that, and to top his failure (and the shallowness of his feeling), he was also reversed (by his said best friend), which put much more pressure on Aichi, who happenned to be the one to bring him back from reversed state. He could surmise that Aichi’s feeling must be really deep that he managed to do such a feat. In contrary, his feeling was shallow, much more shallow that he expected to be.

It’s not that he needed a really really deep and bottomless depth of feeling, he just need feeling that is deep enough to unreverse his best friend, feeling deep enough to reach his best friend. In the end he did reach him, he fulfilled his wish, what drove him during his reversed state; to protect and help Kai. And Kai let him stayed by his side, which meant at least kai regarded him as something because he received miwa’s feeling, because he received Miwa’s will to protect and help him, right?

Wrong. Kai kept him because he needed a lap dog, not because all beautiful reasonings Miwa ensured himself to be. And all of that could only lead Miwa to the basic conclusion of how shallow his feeling was.

But Aichi’s feeling was deep, deep and pure, strong and raw, unbound and undilluted, stark naked and honest, so beautiful that it reached Kai, it reached him, reached all enemies he had faced. Miwa envied him, envied him because Aichi possessed a feeling that could reach Kai’s heart. Kai had opened his heart to Aichi and Miwa was actually happy, they’re his friend after all, and seeing Aichi’s sunken face whenever kai disregard him countless of time, made him pity the boy. He knew how much Aichi adored Kai and to be ignored by your object of adoration could hurt so much. Yet, Aichi stood still and somehow manages to win his way to Kai’s heart.

In which Miwa was feeling so bitter of.

He was the one who stay by Kai’s side, all along. The only episode he was missing from Kai’s life was when his said best friend lost his parent and moved with his uncle. They were children and powerless, if he could then he would; he would follow Kai, made sure he wasn’t alone, and made sure that Kai’s bright smile stayed by his face. But there was nothing he could do, Kai was hurt, lost his treasured people (parents and Ren, he’s not included), and that smile that Miwa prayed to last forever as he watched Kai walked away from the school building, was gone when they met again. He knew that deep down, Kai was still the same Kai and if he treated him like he was a different person, Kai probably won’t let him stay by his side again after his reunion.

Aichi once said he envies his relationship with Kai but Miwa knew that if Aichi knew that Kai never really see him as what he hoped he was seen as, the blunette will never feel that way. Kai probably only see him as a keepsake of his happy days; to remind him that he had, though fleeting, blissfull moment from his tragic past. He’s a device of Kai’s denial. In that sense, Miwa could not be replaced but Kai will eventually move on to a better future, accepting his past, and find a person who could lead him. Miwa was the person from his past which means kai cannot stay with him, the only thing Miwa would do was remind him of bitter days.

And that’s what Aichi was for. Aichi with his ocean-deep feeling will take Kai into a bright and shining future. A future in which Miwa isn’t there.

Miwa hated how meaningless he was for his best friend though his best friend meant so much for him. He would do anything, everything for Kai, he would even go to the dark side for him. As long as he could stay by his side and make sure that kai wasn’t alone, then even the deepest of sin he would commit. But he always knew that his devotion meant nothing, in the end, his feeling was not that deep because apparently, if his feeling was really deep, instead of going to the dark side with him, he would take Kai back from it. Like what Aichi did.

Miwa was disgusted at himself. He knew he should be thankful to Aichi for bringing Kai back, but he resented the younger boy. Just what did he had that Miwa’s lacking of? what right did he own that Miwa did not?

Right. Deep feeling.

Ashamed of himself and his shallowness, Miwa didn’t go to card capital for sometime, he even refused to talk to Kai at school, he even went as far as skipping club activities using his study as an excuse.

Kai was, not bothered by it, if he was, he would confront Miwa and demand him to spill it all right there and then.

Not surprising, Aichi probably kept him better company than Miwa could ever do.

Weeks passed and Miwa realized he was not acting logically. Nothing good came from behaving this way, not to mention he was missing his friends. With determination to act as normal as possible, Miwa went to Card capital again. He was greeted by overjoyed Aichi who looked geniunenly happy to see him. He felt even more disgusted at himself for ever holding a resentment agaisnt this kind boy but he vowed he’d make it up by being a good friend. After all, he owed Aichi for unreversing him.

The bluenette kept asking about his condition; whether he’s alright or not, was he sick, what did he do during his absence. And when miwa said he’s completely fine and he just needed to catch up with his studies, Aichi was greatly relieved that a single tear dripped from his eyes. Needless to say, Miwa felt like the biggest jerk, ever.

Then Miwa noticed the absence of certain brown-haired boy which seemed to be in time with Aichi’s; “then I’m sure Kai-kun is catching up with his study too, that’s why he had not come here lately.” to which Miwa rose his brows at.

Miwa lingered for another hour before leaving to the park that Kai usually frequented, only to find that he was not there. He stared at the bench where Kai usually slept on. Kai had not come to Card Capital, not even once. Misaki and the others also confirmed this and said they expected a certain blond will come dragging his always grumpy best friend in.

He decided that he will talk to Kai again tomorrow but when tomorrow finally come and Kai was sitting right behind him, turned out speaking with your best friend ‘again’ required a great deal of courage. Only when the lunch break bell rang, Miwa braved himself to turn back to face his friend, ready to use lunch as an excuse. But when his eyes met Kai, his word died on his tongue.

Now, Kai had never, ever looked at him before, not in this condition. He usually looked outside, at his book, anywhere but looking straight ahead at Miwa. Yet, this time, Miwa’s eyes found Kai the exact moment he turned around, which was not usual, and the unusuallity of it was emphasized with Kai’s sudden (abrupt and forced) duck of head. Miwa stared at the tuft of brown hair which used to be where Kai’s eyes were just a moment ago and felt a strange tingle.

"Kai," Miwa somehow managed to call out his best friend’s name. His said best friend flinched slightly before responding with a grunt that (only) Miwa (could) translate as; what? “what do you have for lunch?”

Kai refused to look elswhere but his lap, his hair was unkept and his face looked aghast, Miwa furrowed his brow in worry. How long had it been since they last talked? Had he been eating well? During his days of avoiding Kai, Miwa quickly left the class and didn’t return until lunch break was over to keep himself from having unneccesary contact with Kai so he didn’t know where Kai spent his lunch break and what he had for it. Guilt settled in his stomach as he saw how tired Kai was and how it made him looked older than he should be.

"Are you alright?" concern seeped into his voice. Kai gave another grunt, still looking at his lap and this made Miwa much more disconcerted so he got to his feet and pulled on Kai’s hand. His friend (finally) looked at him, surprised unhidden from his face for Miwa to see. "We’re getting our lunch, okay?" Miwa said, trying to keep his voice from shaking too much because, god, he’s afraid, so so afraid that Kai’s not doing well on his own, that Kai was looking like this, all tired and exhausted was because he wasn’t doing what him, a best friend should do; making sure his friend was in best health, best condition, and all because of his own selfishness.

Miwa was sure that Kai would shake him off and tell him to fuck off or turn cold shoulder to him, but Kai seemed to realized Miwa’s concern because he slowly got up and let the blond drag him to cafetaria, in which Miwa was glad of.

The cafetaria was crowded. They took the trays and lined up together with the other students. “What do you want to eat, Kai?” Miwa tried to make a conversation, again, he had prattled mainly nonsense and random thing since they left class, but Kai had not give him any decent response. “They’re having beef fair this week!! I think I’ll get myself Hayashi Beef Katsudon. What about you?”

Miwa was struck once gain with surprise when he turn around to face Kai, only to find the said boy staring at him intently. “…I’ll have the same.” Kai said without looking away.

He tried not to show that Kai’s imploring gaze was affecting him, “Okay, I’ll order for two then!”

After they purchased their meals, they got themself seats. Miwa forgot his choptsicks so he excused himself to get some, leaving Kai alone. He was aware at how his best friend’s eyes were never leaving him. Had Kai been watching him all the time? How come he didn’t realize it? Kai’s eyes were still following him when he returned to his seat.

"Sorry for making you wait, let’s eat now!" Miwa said with a grin before starting to eat, Kai’s gaze linger for a while before he started eating as well. Miwa stole a glance at him, Kai didn’t seen like one but he’s actually a heavy eater, his stomach was a bottomless pit of a hole that Miwa wondered how much food was enough to fill them up. Despite that, Kai didn’t look like he’s been eating well, judging from how he look, and Miwa feared that it was somehow his fault.

"Have you been eating well?" Miwa asked, picking the rice with hia chopsticks and not looking at his friend who sat across him. He could see from his peripheral vision that Kai had stop eating and was looking at him, again.

Just when Miwa thought Kai wasn’t going to answer him, Kai replied, “depend on your definition of eating well.”

Dread filled him, he didn’t like it when Kai was like this, when he stale their conversation just to avoid giving Miwa the straight answer because his answer was usually either something Miwa did not favor or Miwa already know. “I…you know, eat rice three times a day?” he tried to grin the concern off his face, “I mean, I realized you’re not looking really well…”

Kai chewed on his meal quietly before answering, “didn’t feel like cooking lately.”

Miwa tried his best to keep his grin on his face. Kai’s basically telling him that he had not been eating well. “Gee, Kai, why? Just because I wasn’t there to keep my eyes on you-“

"Maybe." the way Kai cut him off and the thing that Kai said successfully wiped all facade from Miwa’s face. Kai was back staring at him with his emerald eyes, searching, imploring, asking, demanding for Miwa’s explanation of his recent behaviour. If there’s one thing that Miwa could do and Aichi could not regardless the depth of their feelings was to read Kai. “Miwa…” Kai began and Miwa wished he was anywhere else but here, “why did you avoid me?”

Time stood still for a while, Miwa stared at his half-eaten meal, refusing to look up to meet Kai’s gaze. He’d probably spill it right here, right now.

No, it’s not like he didn’t want to. He’s planning to tell Kai, one day, one day but not today, and on top of that, one day but not today and not here. Clenching his chopsticks, Miwa braced himself to look at his best friend with a smile, “I’ll tell you later. For now, let’s finish our meal. We still have classes.”

Had Kai refused and said they could skip classes just to hear Miwa’s explanation, the blond would run right away. Thankfully, Kai agreed and continued his meal without word. The rest of school passed in a blur and Miwa could only stare blankly ahead when the last chime rang. Everyone had left the class, leaving him and kai who was probably drilling hole on the back of Miwa’s blond head with his intense gaze.

"Miwa," Kai (finally) called.

He knew this was the time, there’s no running away. He owe Kai not only explanation, he also owe him an apology, an apology for not being able to bring him back from reversed state. He didn’t know whether he could tell Kai everything while facing him, so with his back turned on him, eyes staring ahead at the blackboard, before Kai could do anything else to break his resolution, he started, “I was scared…”

He could practically see Kai raising his brow in his head, “of what?”

"Of losing you…"

Kai didn’t say anything and waited until Miwa continue. In which Miwa did with so much internal struggle.

"I, you know, had that inkling feeling that you’re somewhat involved in that reversed thing. I wished you could prove me wrong but," Miwa paused, "you know, I was right, you’re involved. And I thought I, as your best friend, could do something for you but I could not."

"You did something for me." Miwa felt his eyes were starting to burn. What was Kai trying to tell him with that? He did something for him? What?

"Well, whatever it was what I did was not enough to unreverse you."

"No, what you did was stand by me." Kai said again which made Miwa furrowed his brows in confusion.

"But it didn’t do you any good-"

"It did."

"Stop cutting me!!" Miwa said, harsher than he intended but he was frustrated, he didn’t need Kai to, to…to pity him, to complicate and tear his feeling any further, he’s messed up the way he was now. "Would it hurt you to listen to what I said first? I thought you wanted to hear my explanation?"

Kai was quiet this time and Miwa took this a sign to continue, Kai’s gaze was still heavy on his back though.

"All this time, I always proclaim myself as your best friend, your buddy, but that’s just what I wish I was…in the end I could not live up to that title, I could not do any single thing for you, I could not bring you back from being reversed, I let you succumbed to darkness…" Miwa paused, remembering the day when he lost to Kai and got himself reversed as well, "If I was your best friend, if only my feeling was deep enough…I should have been able to…yet, I could not…"

Now was the most dreaded part. Miwa leaned back on his chair, letting his hand fall to his lap as he resolutely kept his voice from cracking.

"But then here’s Aichi. He managed to save you, he saved me to, I was thankful for him. I should be, right? But, no, that’s not what I did. I resented him, envied him, all because I was jealous, I was jealous because he could bring you back from the darkness…"

"…Miwa," he heard Kai started but before he could speak any further, Miwa quickly resumed his talking.

"I realized that my feeling was shallow and his feeling was deeper, his feeling was so much deeper that he could reach you…that’s why he could unreverse you. I can’t accept that, I was sure that my feeling for you was deeper, deeper than Aichi’s, than anyone…but it wasn’t, they couldn’t even reach you. And even if it was deeper, I realized it still won’t reach you…you know why? Because there was no place for it in the first place. Because in you, there’s only one place and you had it for someone else who was not me."

Aichi’s name went unsaid but he was sure Kai picked it up.

"You know, Kai, I had lost you, once, and the thought of losing you, once again, to someone else, is scary…I don’t want to get hurt, all I could think was myself…I’m such a disgusting person…" Miwa stared down at his lap, tears starting to gather on his eyes. Surely, Kai was looking at him in disgust now. "While you and Aichi, everyone else was fighting for our sake, I could only think of myself…I even went as far as resenting Aichi…after all he had done for me…I…I didn’t deserve you, Aichi, everyone…selfish being like me do not deserve anyone’s frienship…I…"

Miwa let the first drop of tear fall, his shoulders started to shake. This was it. He was sure Kai would leave him and never speak to him anymore. But it’s okay, he deserve it, it was his punishment. Had his heart been more pure, more gentle, then he was sure nonw of this would happen. Had he been able to accept that fact that the place in Kai’s heart wasn’t even his in the first place…

"I’m sorry, Kai, I’m sorry…"

"Stupid Miwa."

Miwa had expected Kai to leave, to say mean things to him, to affirm his punishment. He expected anything, anything but a pair of arms, gently, almost as if afraid to break him, encircling his trembling shoulders. Kai’s skin brushed his, his hair tickled him, his breathe caressed his ear. That’s when Miwa lost whatever it was that kept him from crying as he broke into tears. His shoulders shook with every sob yet Kai keep a strong hold on him. He didn’t know why Kai embraced him like this but he knew for once that kai wasn’t going to leave him.

"Are you done?" Kai asked quietly.

Unable to speak between his tears, Miwa tried to nod.

"Good, because I have been dying to tell you that you’re wrong, Idiot."

Kai’s sigh graced his ear and in the middle of his sob, Miwa realized how close they’re.

"I always thought that cardfight was the only place I belong to…that without Cardfight, I won’t have anywhere to go…" Kai started. "That’s why when I realized that Ren and Aichi had became much more stronger than me, I became afraid, afraid that they’ll take my place and left me nowhere to go…"

You still have me, Miwa thought bitterly. Was he that invinsinble in Kai’s eyes?

"In order to regain my place, I had to be strong, stronger than those two…so I can return, so I have my place to belong to…for that, I let myself became reversed, I accepted that power…because I don’t want cardfight to be taken away from me, because without cardfight I was nothing, no one, no where, without cardfight no one will pay attention to me…"

If he wasn’t sobbing brokenly right now, he’ll tell Kai that even if without cardfight, he’ll still stay by his side. Yet, Kai’s words only affirmed how thin his existence was in his best friend’s heart.

Which hurt, much.

"…I was afraid that I will lose my place by your side…I was afraid that if I lost cardfight, you won’t stay by my side anymore…" Miwa was surprised by this but was more surprised when one of Kai’s hand gently took his hand in his. "Then you came and I defeated you, you got reversed, but even then, you stayed by my side, you supported me, you never abandon me…At that time, I was reversed so I couldn’t see it, I was blind by my goal and ambition that I didn’t realize it…Miwa…."

The said blond boy unconsciously waited with still breathe for Kai to continue. His best friend’s hold on him tightened slightly when he finally speaks again.

"I was wrong…it was not cardfight thay gave me a place…it was, and it has always been you, Miwa, who gave me a place…it was because you were here, always by my side, that I have a place to belong to. Had you not talk to me again that day, I probably won’t be here…Even in my reversed state, I still need you by my side, need your support, I need you, because I’m nowhere without you…"

"…Kai…"

"You’re not wrong, don’t say anything like you’re disgusting, don’t say anything like your feeling is shallow, don’t say that your feeling didn’t reach me and you have no place in me, it was all my fault…It was me who only think of himself. Had I realized this sooner,then none of this would happen, has I realized how Miwa was the one who gave me place all along, then Miwa won’t get hurt, none of us would…Because of my stupidity, my ignorance, i hurt you like this, i made you think like this of yourself, i made you blame yourself…For you who had done so many things for me, all I did was hurting you…I’m sorry."

Miwa was at loss for word, for any other respond to this. All he could do, aside from clutching his best friend’s hands tightly, was to sob out more. Because,

"Don’t say anything like Aichi’s feeling is deeper than yours, it’s not about that, don’t compare yourself to Aichi because you two are different…Aichi can never be you because, Miwa, he can’t give me a place to belong to like you do…Miwa…I’m sorry…"

Kai stopped at that and didn’t continue. The only sound filling the classroom was Miwa’s broken sob. Tears were falling endlessly from his eyes, they won’t stop falling even if he screwed them shut. What was this? What was this feeling? Relief? Sadness? Happiness? Fear? For the moment he didn’t care, all he wanted was to let them all out, all he wanted for now was to let himself being embraced by Kai’s raw and honest feelings. He thought that would never have a value in Kai’s heart but then kai told him all of that, diminished all his fear and confimed that he was wrong. He meant something, he had a value, and on top of it all, Kai told him that he, Miwa, gave him a place to belong to, that he belonged in where Miwa was. It was much more than he ever dreamt of and he was scared all of this was nothing but dream. But then Kai’s strong arms were still embracing him and his skin, his breathe was warm on Miwa’s skin, Kai’s presence was real and it was enough to tell him that this was real, that he wasn’t dreaming.

Only when his sobbing finally ceased then Kai let go of him. With bleary eyes, Miwa figured that it must be hard for Kai to held him like that given his position. He turned around quietly to see Kai stretching his back, which filled him with new sense of guilt.

"Kai," he timidly croaked out. Kai watched as Miwa slowly got this feet and walked to his side.

"Yes?"

"I’m returning the favor," was all he said before bending down and gathering Kai to his own embrace. Miwa screwed his eyes shut in fear of rejection but surprisingly, Kai didn’t push him away, instead, his best friend clutched on his back with one hand, tightly.

"I’m sorry," Kai muttered.

Miwa shook his head gently, his throat was still sore from crying and his nose was still running, despite how messy he was, relief and happiness washed over him. This was probably the most honest Kai had been and could ever be, to be on the receiving end of Kai’s display of feeling and emotion was an honor for him, it made him incredibly happy. “I forgive you. Will you forgive me too?”

Kai furrowed his brows in disapproval, “you didn’t do anything wrong.”

"Just say yes, will you?" Miwa cackled, tightening his hold on his best friend.

"Fine. I forgive you too," he paused, then added, "even though you didn’t do anything wrong."

Another cackle and then Miwa let go. The sunlight was too harsh to his raw eyes but despite that, he still could see his best friend clearly. The warm twilight sun shone on him, giving a gentle and warm glow on his sharp features. Kai still looked tired, and Miwa was sure he himslef looked horrible with tears blotched face, but for him, this was the most beautiful moment in his life.

"How many times had I make you cry?" Kai suddenly asked, pained expression on his face. He looked so beaten like that and it squeezed Miwa’s heart to see him like that.

"This was the first time," he said, wiping traces of tears with his sleeve, "really."

"…I’m sorry."

"Forgiven."

Kai was still looking very much guilty and Miwa hated it so he crack a best smile he could and shoved his hands in his pockets.

He leaned toward Kai slightly as he said, “Stop looking so glum. Hearing what you said made up for it anyway, it was more than I ever dreamt of!”

His best friend’s emerald eyes were searching his face and they seemed to find what they’re looking for because a ghost of smile appeared on Kai’s face as he muttered, “That’s all there was…I’m glad you’re happy to hear that…”

Somehow, Miwa felt like there’s still something that Kai hid from him so he decided to test the water, “why I wouldn’t be?”

"You know…" Kai stopped abruptly as if he realized he almost said something he shouldn’t, and looked away, picking on his belongings on the desk to avoid speaking further and obviously, to avoid Miwa’s gaze.

Got him! Miwa mentally cheered. He’s going to get everything from Kai today. He had told his best friend all feelings he kept hidden and it won’t be fair if Kai was still keeping something from him. “Kai? Is there something you still hide from me?”

Kai’s shoulders visibly stiffen. This sparked Miwa’s curiousity even more. What could it be that Kai was hiding from him? At this point when he had reaffirmed his position in his best friend’s life, he could not ask for anything more. He didn’t care whatever ugly secret Kai had because it won’t change him and his duty; to give kai a place to belong to.

"I won’t hate you for whatever it was, you know," he said softly. "I won’t leave you either way."

Kai quietly tidied up his belongings. Once he’s done, he put his bag on the desk, stared right ahead for a while before opening his mouth to speak, “what I said earlier…it made me sound so clingy…and…you know, if you take in another way, it’s as if I was confessing to you…or something…I mean, we’re both boys and I thought you’d be disgusted, so I…”

Miwa could hardly processed what Kai said after that because Kai was visibly stuttering, and he was visibly blushing, and Kai Toshiki does not blush, and Miwa’s brain could only registered word confessing before the gears on his head stared to work on that and what Kai had told him earlier. Once the clogs stop turning, he blurted out, “does it mean you like me?”

Kai stopped his (what Miwa assumed to be gibberish) talk and looked at Miwa with a deer caught in the headlight look on his flushed face. He didn’t say anything so Miwa decided to ask again.

"Are you saying that somewhere in that, there was a hidden message of ‘I like you’?" Miwa wasn’t sure what kind of face he’s making right now. He could only tell from the reflection of himself in Kai’s eyes that he was looking utterly confused.

Which, in his defense, wasn’t his fault. Had Kai stopped talking in riddles, he won’t even have this look on his face.

"Depend on your definition of like…" Kai said, looking uncomfortable under Miwa’s gaze yet still maintaining their eyes contact.

This again, Miwa cursed. But this answer only meant Miwa’s prediction was right. He felt strange sense of warmth creeping into his skin. “So, it was really there?”

"I tried not to," Kai said, finally looking away, "but no matter how, it was there, those feelings, despite being unsaid, will always be there…"

Miwa waited until Kai continue, or until Kai looked at him again, whichever was fine, but none of it hapenned and he was having enough of Kai’s mind game right now. He’s tired, exhausted, mentally and physically, so he did the only thing that his body had been telling him to do;

He seized Kai’s shoulders, forcibly making Kai face him, their eyes met; sapphire and emerald, before locking his lips with Kai’s.

Time stood still, once again that day. And Miwa felt his heart beating frantically against the confinement of his ribcage like a war-cry. Kai was as still as the flow of time but his lips were warm, slightly chapped, and his lashes were pricking Miwa’s skin.

When he let go, he heard Kai murmured his name, felt his best friend’s hand on his, and that’s all Miwa needed to kiss him again, again, and again. No words were exchanged. The kisses were short, chaste, simple press of lips against lips, yet he felt strangely fulfilled, blissfull. He would do do anything, everything to make this tender moment last forever. If it meant he could always stay like this, then he’d rather have time stop right now, he didn’t want this to end.

He was sure he didn’t need anything, didn’t need to touch or know anything but the boy before him. In his dream he always see Kai, smiling like how he used to in those old days. He had given him his everything to see those smile again, he sacrificed, he lost, he was hurt, all for the sake of this person. He had but one wish, one wish that was Kai’s smile, Kai’s happiness. But, no, that was not his one and only wish, he also wished, prayed that he’d able to stay by Kai’s side to see him smile, he wished he could, he would amount to something for his best friend.

If he said he never wished of his love then he’d be lying, but Miwa always know not to put his hope so high, too high, because he was afraid of falling. And so, right here, right now, knowing that Kai was willing to let him have that, claim that as his, it filled him with immense amount of emotions that he could not pick up one by one. All he know was how all those feelings were overwhelming him and the only way to express it was with his action. Right now, only his body could tell Kai how much he loved him, how much he cherished him, how much he treasured him…

"Miwa…" Kai called between their kisses, Miwa hummed in reply before pressing another kiss. His position was uncomfortable and his joints were aching in pain but he didn’t care. "Miwa, wait…stop…"

Two or three kisses later, he finally stopped. Face flushed, he looked at Kai’s equally flushes face. “What?” he asked breathily.

Kai shied away from his gaze, cute, Miwa noted. He always knew behind Kai’s stiff and stoic appearance, lied this timid and awkward boy. “Are you also?”

The blond didn’t need Kai to continue because the question was as clear as the day. “I think I somehow slipped that in as well…I did say I was jealous of Aichi and stuff…” he faltered.

"Don’t need to," Kai bluntly said, looking unimpressed.

"I guess we’re both just the same," he shrugged, looking outside as he continued, "we’re just insecure about each other…"

The unimpressed expression stayed on Kai’s face, “Did I look like I care about Aichi that much?”

Miwa couldn’t keep the bitterness from his face, “well, you’re kind of obsessed with him when you’re reversed, and you valued him highly…and he had an apparent crush toward you, and you had this gentle look in your eyes when you see him…”

He probably looked very dejected which just made Kai’s frown deepen and sadness attached to his face “I didn’t mean it like that…”

"You also…opened your heart toward him. He made you feel joy and happiness when you’re playing him, right?"

"Miwa…"

For some reason, Miwa couldn’t stop the pain for coming back, “see? This is what I meant when I said I’m a horrible person…even now I’m still jealous about Aichi…”

"You don’t need to be," Kai said, taking Miwa’s hands in his and hold them tight, "He’ll never amount as much as you do, Miwa."

Miwa’s heart swelled. He let a lone tear rolled down his cheek as he stared into his best friend…”say, Kai…”

"Hn?"

"Do you love me?" his voice came out weaker than he thought it would be. It was still scary, coming in term with how you really feel and how other people feel about you will never stop from being so. "Because I do, I do love you, so much that it hurts me sometimes…because I thought my feeling will never reach you…"

"It did reach me," Kai said, bringing his and Miwa’s joined hand to rest atop where his heart was, Miwa felt the muffled drumming of Kai’s heartbeat, and the gentle, serene, honest, and sincere expression on Kai’s face, illuminated by the gentle golden sunlight was so beautiful that it sent another wave of emotion surging through Miwa’s senses. "I love you too."

If the outcome of battle was determined by the depth of one’s feeling, the Miwa was sure than many events in history could happenned otherwise. Or maybe, it neves was determined by that. Whatever it was, right now Miwa didn’t care. All he cared about was how he’s going to stay by his best friend’s side, always and forever, up and down, right or wrong.

Because he loved him, because he was loved by him.

Because in this world, he was the only one who could give kai a place to belong to, and that’s what he’s going to do.


End file.
